Borowitz satire: Koch Brothers to put Scott Walker up for sale | MinnPost

 

Borowitz satire: Koch Brothers to put Scott Walker up for sale

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By Eric Black | 09/02/15

In these dark days of the political humor shortage, with Jon Stewart retired and Stephen Colbert in the hiatus between the old show and the new (scheduled to premiere a week from yesterday) snide liberals thankfully still have Andy Borowitz to feed their hunger for satire.

Writing for the New Yorker, in yesterday's hot-off-the-presses made-up newsblast, Borowitz reveals that:

"Saying that 'things just didn’t work out,' the billionaire Koch brothers have decided to put Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker up for sale."

According to Borowitz, the Kochs haven't felt good about their Walker acquisition for a while, but Walker's recent suggestion of a fence on the Canadian border was the last straw. Borowitz quotes an unnamed Koch insider as saying that “Ignorance has always been a part of Scott’s appeal, but that Canada thing was just too much.”

Above is from:  Borowitz satire: Koch Brothers to put Scott Walker up for sale | MinnPost

 

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LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is steadily rising to the top of the 2016 Republican Presidential field because voters are connecting with his “strong and consistent opposition to knowledge,” an aide to Walker said on Thursday.

While Republican candidates of the past, such as Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, have capitalized on G.O.P. voters’ hostility toward verifiable facts, the aide said, “Compared to Scott, those two look like rookies.”

Walker has burnished his anti-knowledge credentials in Wisconsin by proposing a three-hundred-million-dollar cut in the University of Wisconsin’s funding and by deleting the phrase “the search for truth” from the values outlined in the university’s mission statement.

“That truth thing was a masterstroke,” the aide said. “Our polling shows that voters who oppose knowledge also have negative feelings about truth.”

But Walker’s longstanding opposition to knowledge may have faced its toughest test during a visit to London, on Wednesday, when an interviewer asked him if he believed in evolution and he refused to answer. “He tried to trick Governor Walker into admitting that he knew something, and Scott didn’t take the bait,” the aide said. “I was watching him do that and I was like, ‘Nailed it.’ ”

Moments like that, the aide said, show why Walker will win the White House in 2016. “The American people are sick and tired of a President who knows things,” he said. “They’re ready for Scott.”

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Extra, extra, read all about it! New law tells us we can have our bake sales!”

By Lisa Rodgers

Reporter

SPRINGFIELD- In February, legislation was introduced by Rep. Michael Tyron to amend the Food Handling Regulation Enforcement Act 410 ILCS 625/.  On July 30, Illinois Legislators approved the revision of the Act that will go into effect Jan. 1, 2016.  The new legislation will directly impact the following:

“Synopsis as introduced amends the Food Handling Regulation Enforcement Act.

“Provides that a home kitchen operation does not include a person who produces or packages non-potentially hazardous baked goods for sale by a religious, charitable, or nonprofit organization for fundraising purposes.

“Adds additional requirements in order to qualify as a home kitchen operation. Makes changes concerning the jurisdiction of the local governing body over home kitchen operations.

“Defines a term. Removes a provision prohibiting certain types of jams and jellies from cottage food operations. Increases the gross receipt threshold of exempt food from $25,000 to $36,000.

“Allows the Department to adopt rules to implement the requirements of the amendatory Act,” according to www.ilga.gov/legislation/billstatus.asp?DocNum=2486&GAID=13&GA=99&DocTypeID=HB&LegID=87873&SessionID=88&SpecSess.

The current statute has caused much confusion and frustration in the State of Illinois and ill feelings and frustration among many in the Boone County community who wish to help those in need.  With the help of a Task Force many additions have been added with very specific legislation.

In fact, the current statute contains approximately 5852 words while in comparison the new law has removed text, introduced an exemption and added specific permissible foods has significantly reduced the statute to approximately 3314 words.

Please refer to www.ilga.gov/legislation/publicacts/fulltext.asp?Name=099-0191, for more information.

For example:

410 ILCS 625/3.6

Sec. 3.6 3.4.  Home kitchen operation.

(a) For the purpose of this Section, “home kitchen operation” means a person who produces or packages non-potentially hazardous baked goods food in a kitchen of that person’s primary domestic residence for direct sale by the owner or a family member.

As used in this Section, “baked good” has the meaning given to that term under sub-paragraph (C) of paragraph (1) of subsection (b) of Section 4 of this Act.

A home kitchen operation does not include a person who produces or packages non-potentially hazardous baked goods for sale by a religious, charitable, or nonprofit organization for fundraising purposes; the production or packaging of non-potentially hazardous baked goods for these purposes is exempt from the requirements of this Act, or for sale by a religious, charitable, or nonprofit organization, stored in the residence where the food is made…”

In the new statute effective Jan. 1, 2016, legislators provide an explanation as to why the statute has been revised.

(410 ILCS 625/3.3)

Sec. 3.3. Farmers’ markets.

• The General Assembly finds as follows:
• Farmers’ markets, as defined in subsection (b) of this Section, provide not only a valuable marketplace for farmers and food artisans to sell their products directly to consumers, but also a place for consumers to access fresh fruits, vegetables, and other agricultural products.
• Farmers’ markets serve as a simulator for local economies and for thousands of new businesses every year, allowing farmers to sell directly to consumers and capture the full retail value of their products.

They have become important community institutions and have figured in the revitalization of downtown districts and rural communities.

• Since 1999, the number of farmers’ markets has tripled and new ones are being established every year. There is a lack of consistent regulation from one county to the next, resulting in confusion and discrepancies between counties regarding how products may be sold.
• In 1999, the Department of Public Health published Technical Information Bulletin/Food #30 in order to outline the food handling and sanitation guidelines required for farmers’ markets, producer markets, and other outdoor food sales events.
• While this bulletin was revised in 2010, there continues to be inconsistencies, confusion, and lack of awareness by consumers, farmers, markets, and local health authorities of required guidelines affecting farmers’ markets from county to county.

The link provided below will direct you to the complete new statute effective Jan. 1, 2016: http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/publicacts/fulltext.asp?Name=099-0191.

While conducting research for an additional article on Sept. 3, the following website forrager.com/law/illinois/ provided the new statute and further information.

Extra, extra, read all about it!  New law tells us we can have our bake sales!”